Around the Motherhouse Blog

Yesterday I Cried

Sigh. Dammit. Dammit! Dammit! DAMMIT! I just found out my friend Jennifer has stage 4 breast cancer. Although I can count on one hand the times I've spent with this friend, we have a special bond because 1, we share the same name, 2, we both have sisters named Amy, and most significantly, 3, we both had still born baby boys on February 12th. It was a year ago that she lost Clayton and in between that time she became pregnant and gave birth in January to a beautiful little girl. At her 6 week check up they found the cancer. Death. Birth. Cancer...all in the space of a little over 365 days! So last night, I cried. I was overwhelmed with grief and I cried.

I cried for Jennifer.
I cried for her husband Adam.
I cried for Gwen and Greta.
I cried for Dave and Josie and Zeke and Oliver.
I cried for Clayton and Grayson.
I cried out of relief that it wasn't me.
I cried out of guilt that it wasn't me.
I cried because I didn't know what to say to her.
I cried because there is nothing to say.
I cried for all of the mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, grandmothers and daughters who face this.
I cried because even if you live to be 100, life is still too short.
I cried because today is not a good day to die.
I cried because there are no guarantees.
I cried because faith can be so hard.
I cried because in the end, our mortality brings meaning to life, but that doesn't make it suck any less.
I cried because cancer has become so common it is has become clichÈ.
I cried because I can't help her.
And in the end, I cried because it is all I can do.

I cried for hours, until I just couldn't any more. Then I curled up in my bed and knew that I would never be the same...

Has your life been touched by cancer? Brushes with death and mortality? We all must look into the eyes of the Dark Mother at some point.

-By Jennifer Sterling: a Goddess mother of 3 who has adopted the motto: "What I do today is important because I am spending a day of my life doing it."