Seasonal Salon

A REASON TO BE HER

She used to think everything happened for a reason - her Mom was always talking about “God’s plan” - But perhaps bad things just happen – life doesn’t always make sense, does it? - Things happen - bad things happen – bad things happen to good people – Because some things just aren't right, are they? - Some things can’t ever be right.

She’d spent her life believing everything was exactly the way it was meant to be - because, like her Mom always said, “It is what it is. It’s all part of the plan.” - Having faith in that truth paints a gloss over the most soul sinking circumstances – faith makes everything have some kind of sense - and the world needs to make sense doesn't it? – everyone feels safer when the world makes sense  - when they know what's going on - when they understand.

When she understands - her insides and her thoughts are less chaotic - But right now, in the middle of all this -  in the middle of everything – her insides are a hive without a smoker - if God has a plan, if there’s a reason - she can’t see it, not even a hint of it - All she can see, all she knows is that life sucks - It sucks like peanut butter on a dog’s tongue - like your first broken heart - or the doctor telling your mum her bun didn't come out of the oven fully risen - Mum’s God had a different plan for them - a plan that wasn’t as pretty as she’d imagined - more Brothers Grim script than a Disney musical – more easy rider than runs with wolves.

It’s not like anyone gets to choose this stuff – although she’s heard people testify, “I wouldn’t want it to have been any other way. God never gives you more than you can handle.” – a truism she finds hard to believe on days when the bright pain weaves the fibers of her ligaments – and her discs turn to tempered ice – There is no one to blame - it would be easier if there was – would give a focus to the big ball of angry trapped in her chest - She considers blaming God, but she can’t risk being that angry - hers is not that kind of God - deities like mothers are probably not lifetime time unconditional - At least not for daughters like her – daughters with questionable worth - worthiness and perfection  get tangled with our stories of love sometimes.

Besides, everyone knows blame and resentment make you miss all the good stuff, all the blessings - and there are still blessings aren’t there? – There are always blessings – ponies under the shit - Like early shoots caught in late snow - you keep going, through the dark, the freeze - Good people choose to live anyway, don’t they? - Even broken people show up -  pack the bad things - the bad feelings in lead box under the compost pile - It’s better to smile - to be kind or happy - better for everyone. Better to keep life pleasant – keep everyone feeling comfortable -The truth about complaining is that it makes everyone miserable - if her mind gets knotted in the whys - perhaps she could shift her focus to seeing the lesson instead - There’s got to be a lesson - even if it feels like a booby prize sometimes 

Because if there is only one God, and it's not her - they tell her the job was taken long before she was born - then it's not her job to know the big picture – Her  job is be the be the best her she can be - look to learn something -  something she can do something about - even if sometimes all she learned is that some feelings are hard - or that she hates losing – or  that life isn’t fair - or that it’s impossible for her to control what happens to her - but she can control what she allows it to mean

Her best friend suggests if it's too hard, too painful to have faith in her Mother’s God – perhaps she should design a new one – Write a “Deity Wanted” classified ad – maybe the perfect God wouldn’t be a God at all – not a He up there in heaven - maybe He would be a She – a She deep on the inside – in the space at the center of every cell – A She who loves her as she is completely – a She who is strong enough to kiss her rage and her joy – a She who sees the truth of her and loves her all the same.

So, she tells herself to look for the truth - try and pay attention to the stupid lessons – see more than she has done – see enough to give her the best chance of survival – She starts to look for symbols, messages in the everyday as an oracle - She writes a new affirmation on her bathroom mirror -  

“Remember the whole truth,

some days are wonderful 

and some days it’s really hard being me.” – Love Me



Rev. Nano Boye Nagle MLA is a poet, an actor, a Guardian and a Minister. She offers individual spiritual coaching and teaches classes to women all over the country. She lives in Austin with her love Sally Jeaux.

 
Category: Spring Equinox 2018